Strip For Me And I’ll Strip For You…

Wow, it’s been a damn long time since I posted anything on this blog. On that note, here’s something that happpened on twitter that made me laugh and I thought I would share. I posed the question:

Naked vs. Nekkid. Discuss.

And here are the responses I received:

• Nekkid, of course. It presumes you have a partner in crime. @silas216
• Yes please. Both. Thank you. Double helping, actually… @DNACowboy
• Taking a shower and taking a shower with company. And maybe alcohol is involved. @Lynnster23
• Naked means you don’t have any clothes on. Nekkid means you don’t have any clothes on … and you’re up to somethin @DrumDog2112
• Depends on the context. @urbanhoustonian
• @urbanhoustonian Doesn’t not wearing any clothes need to be the only context? @briguyblock
• Naked. Cause I’m high class like that. @semperjeff
• Naked is just a vocabulary word. Nekkid is a state of mind, a place of being. @rahsheen
• Naked – when one sleeps without clothing. Nude – when one posts for a painting. Nekkid – When someone nude reads Bloom County. @SF_Steph
• Nekkid entails running around an entire apartment or house. Naked is confined to a room or two. @bklynMF
• Nekkid implies naughtyness. @FatElvis04
• naked is for realzies…nekkid is for funzies??? @ruby2466
• I like Nekkid…bucky nekkid. That is all. @newkicks
• naked when you’re serious and nekkid when you’re play flirting @kiffar
• “Naked” means you have no clothes on. “Nekkid” means you have no clothes on and you’re up to something. @CityDifferent
• No difference. Whether I’m naked or nekkid, I’m up to something. So let’s just say I’m nude. How’d that be? @TheUserPool
• naked chicken vs get butt nekkid @TechBabe

If you didn’t get a chance to respond, or *gasp* are not on Twitter… add your response here….

Pussy Control…

She tried to kill me last night, I’m sure of it.

It was in retaliation for the violation she suffered indirectly through my hands. I knew that look she gave me afterwards oh so well. It spoke volumes – it was saying “You better run bitch, I’m coming for you.” She managed to mask her approach as she stealthily stalked me. I felt I had nowhere to turn to escape her vindictiveness. I awaited my punishment in anguished fear. For whom the bell tolls, it tolled for ME…! That’s just a little warning to you folks, never take your pussycat to the vet.

*Disclaimer: Events portrayed in this story may have actually occurred.

Kessler’s Left Hand

There are many adventures to be had on Twitter… @kesslerx, @andy065 and @Tucker_Maxine started playing a game a couple of nights involving porn (yeah, I know, you’re shocked that I would associate myself with porn…I obviously wasn’t myself). I was lucky enough to get a copy of them all and thought I would share.

Porn Names for Movie Stars

Jennifer Loves Her-Clit

Bounce On Me Knowles

Victoria Cockbreath

Rebecca Ramingme

Anne Has-her-way

Kate Winslut

Reese Witherpoon

Catherine Zeta-Bones

Demi Morehead

Demi Moist

Gwen Sucksonme 

Winona Ride-her

Heather Cockmore

Calista Cockhart

Megan Cox

Elijah Morningwood

Heidi Cums

Rachael Raynal

Courtney Cocks

Zooey Deschanel

Jessica Sucksonme

Keanu Skeets

Sohorny Weaver

Favorite Porn Name for Kid’s Movie/Video

Who Fucked Roger Rabbit

Beauty and the Boner

Toy Story

Jolt (Vibrator story)

Little Whore-pan Annie

Lemony Snickets – A series of misfortunate dick

Snow Bunnies

Indiana Hoes

Peter and Anne

Hoe in White and 7 Little Boys

Star Whores

Transformers – Didoes in disguise

Because of Winn’s Dickie

Night of the Humpus

Beauty and His Boner

Finding Nymphos

A Whore’s Life

Mary Pops In

Betty’s Juice

Pete’s Draggin’

Journey To The Center Of My Hole

Whack To The Future

Open Sheila

Uncle Fuck 

Harry Fucked Mrs. Henderson

Tom’s Up Jerry

Charlotte Gives Head

Shrek – The Wild

Mada Gives Head In A Car

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

Willies And Hooters

Puss In Boots

Fuck Me On The Moon

New Poon

Will Tweet For Sex

As you can see from the title and image of this post, courtesy of @TheUserPool, there are many funny things to be tweeted about. I was reminded by my chickee @msfitznham that I had created a favored list of tweets (I’ll Show You Mine If You’ll Show Me Yours…). I know I spend way too much time reading and responding to tweets, but perhaps you’ll see why from these….

1. Masturbating is pretending to be your own homosexual rapist. Unless you’re a bottom, then it’s pretending to be the victim. [@DieLaughing]
2. “Justin: Your phone call last night was super ridiculous. At one point you said to the guy “oh yeah fuck me with your captain crunch dick”.” [@beccaomgz]
3. Spent the past 1.5 hours sending “honestly, why haven’t we had sex yet?” to everyone on my buddy list. The funny has been HUGE so far. [@omgitsadam]
4. A male birth control pill has been developed, but critics are questioning the “morning-after” pill’s effectiveness…. #jokes #humor [@wbaustin]
5. The people who think water can make you smarter need SmartWater the most, if only it did more than hydrate. [@Grundy]
6. You know what capitalism is? Getting fucked! [@shiteatingfuck]
7. You know what it means when you sneeze? It means that God thinks you’re a slut. [@twoname]
8. OH: sex is a universal language which is a good thing because sometimes you just don’t want to understand what he’s saying. [@cari2702]
9. When I ask for a Coke or Diet Coke at a restaurant, and they say,”Is Pepsi alright?”, I want to answer, “I don’t know.” and then just stare. [@jasoncrouch]
10. Those aren’t kids, those are fuck trophies. #realtalk #mypickuplines [@EmpireRising]
11. It’s easy to have an opinion when you don’t have any experience to cloud your judgment. [@BevLan to @extralife]
12. I’m pretty sure meat contains some kind of vital nutrient for intelligence, because all the vegetarians I meet are fucking retarded. [@Konstantine]
13. I love Coldplay. But when I hear them live I remember that Chris Martin can’t sing in real life. [@epicwelshman]
14. My pal Dennis told me this and I knew you’d appreciate it: “I’m switching to free advice–cheap thrills cost too much.” [@Snakecharmers to @@FarWyde]
15. Do not PR spam me with multicolored comic sans. EVER. AGAIN. whoever you are. I will hunt you down and fucking kill you. [@violetblue]
16. Corruption, deliciously so, is really a matter of degrees… I’m sure there’s tons of fun things you haven’t tried yet…hehe [@sebasroy in response to @farwyde: Not sure if you can corrupt what is already corrupted...]
17. Forgive me, Twitter, for I have sinned. What’s the going rate for calling a ligature “hot”? One Hail @ev and six Our Favorites? [@camh]
18. Fucking is not the answer, but I wouldn’t mind. [@ThinkingStiff]
19. “The difference btw ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like an eggs and ham breakfast: the chicken was ‘involved’ the pig was ‘committed’.” [@sethsimonds]
20. Love is like a Booger, you keep working at it, but than when you have it, you have no idea what to do with it! [@AdrianEden]
21. RT @jmoriarty: RT @jmoriarty: When you don’t have anything to say, find something to ReTweet. [@jmoriarty]
22. You know that big yellow band we put on the book that said DO NOT REMOVE that you removed? Yeah. That’s why you have no idea wtf your doing. [@pandamans]
23. DICKLASH, noun (see also: clitlash, whippedlash) – Medical condition affecting the neck, caused by craning during extended oral sex. #groin [@3liza]
24. Fuck me now. #3hotwords. Simple as that, really. [@epicwelshman to @farwyde]
25. Vacation is like a Penis: No matter how long it is, you always wish it was longer! [@FunQuotes]
26. The people you use end up using you. The perfect end state. [@TheUserPool]
27. God knows the world might implode if we speak truthful things. It really might. [@msfitznham]
28. “Said I loved you but I lied”  <- another fun thing to sing that will get you slapped if you start a real conversation with it. [@sethsimonds]
29. Sometimes I wish I had superpowers, and that I could fight for justice and save the world. Other times I just wish I had pants… [@KaiserWillis]
30. OH: a bullet is a terrible thing to waste!!!! [@SexyCougar]
31. If you follow me and you call yourself some sort of “marketing strategist” or “social media expert”, fuck off. You’re a professional douche. [@Telesticles]
32. If walmart customers make love like they they park, we would not need birth control cuz they’d never git it in! [@snt_trading]
33. Is it premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married? [@KellyBurnett]
34. Drinking coffee without caffeine is like having sex without penetration. [@Aimee_B_Loved]
35. Evil will always triumph because good is dumb. [@jnassi]
36. OH: I Googled his name and it came up retard. [@Eunice007]
37. What do you call it when you hit your spouse and they don’t say anything? Domestic silence. [@stratosk]
38. Duty thought o’ the day: if idle hands are the devil’s playground… then jerking off must be his word processing. Just sayin’. [@theduty]
39. You know what would make for the perfect wedding ceremony? …lazertag. Just think about it. You’re welcome. [@theduty]
40. A charming man can quickly talk a woman into bed; a charming woman quickly gets into bed without being talked into it. [@TheUserPool]
41. Your mother is so fat, if she fell out of a tree she’d go straight to Hell. [@crackbarbie]
42. Pussy is full of win. Especially when it’s full of dick. [@jnassi in response to @farwyde: Pussy always wins...]
43. Sobriety is an eating disorder. [@onanything]
44. Feeling rowdy. Gonna pick a fight with a homeless guy- got nothing against the homeless, just pretty sure I could win. [@SteveIsaacs]
45. I blame everything on alcohol except sex. That’s clearly my dick’s fault. [@TheUserPool]
46. Work is an 8-hour hostage situation. [@Aimee_B_Loved]
47. The secret to self-confidence is simple: believe the lies you tell yourself. [@indefensible]
48. Monotony is a false sense of security… [@jengrly]
49. I sincerely hope stupidity is not contagious. [@Misadventures]
50. The ratio at happy hour tonight is 50/50. 50% of the guys are less attractive than the other 50% of unattractive guys. [@Lynnster23]

And not to worry, if you’re not on the this list, there’s a good possibility that you’ll be on the next. I have a fairly long [and growing] list…. heh

Are YOU Looking At ME…?

Get your twitter mosaic here.

Moo I say, Moo…!

You may think I haven’t been posting… I have, but it’s all been under the Far View on Food portion… I’ve been eating my way through the summer apparently:

• Houston Birthday Foodie Adventure
• Austin Foodie Trip

That’s a Stabbin’…

As I was sitting with some friends at a Dynamo tailgate party today, we noticed a skinny young girl (looking to be in her very early 20s, if that) loitering around us. Before we knew it, she started talking to one of the girls, and hence forth called her “Blondie”. Well, Blondie gave her the stink eye and got up and walked away. Strange girl kept yelling after her “Hey Blondie, hey, I’m still talking to you”. I was sitting on the grass eating a hamburger during this time … and then she turned to me.

Strange girl: You know you can get parasites from sitting on the grass.

Me: Oh yeah, I love the parasites. I can’t wait.

Strange girl: You like parasites?

Me: Well, who doesn’t?

At this point Blondie walks back and thus begins another conversation…

Strange girl: Hey, I was talking to you. Didn’t you hear me?

Blondie: Oh, I’m deaf. Well, in my left ear.

Strange girl (turning to me): Is she really deaf?

Me: Oh yeah, totally. Left ear. Can’t hear a thing (while pointing to my right ear)

Strange girl starts kicking around a soccer ball that some of the guys had been kicking around and then looks at me.

Strange girl: You know you can get parasites from hamburgers. If the meat isn’t cooked thoroughly.

Me (while pointing at the medium rare burger): Oh yeah, I love ‘em. Can’t wait!

Strange girl: You’re strange for liking parasites.

Next she turns to another one of the girls who had been raving about her salon stylist and thus begins another bizarre interjection…

Strange girl: Is she homosexual? I mean, you said she was just great and all.

Salon girl (looking at me bewildered): Umm, no…

She then starts to interject into other people’s conversations as well. Not too long after that, we all get up and go in to the stadium to watch the game. Where Salon girl asks me if she was someone I knew and I was like…

“Hell no, I thought she was a bum. I wanted to tell her to get the fuck away from me, but I was afraid she was gonna stab me… or steal my burger.”

Shut your Mouth when you’re TALKING to me!

Believe it or not, we actually found people that were more obnoxious than us on our South Africa trip. Well, they weren’t REAL people, just two annoying children that were on our Safari trip. We had to endure their random screaming and loud behavior for most of the daytrip… I figured I’d get my revenge on the return trip back to Cape Town as we’re loading into the shuttle…

One of the kids noticed a piece of equipment attached to the interior roof of the shuttle van. So he starts asking what it is. One of the other passengers replies that it’s a DVD player, to which the obnoxious child starts yelling, “DVD player! DVD player!”

So this obnoxious child comes up to me for some GOD-forsaken reason, and the conversation goes like this…

OC: Did you know that there’s a DVD player in here?
Abid: Yes, but it’s broken.
OC: How do you know that?
Abid: Because I broke it.
OC: No you didn’t
Abid: Actually I did, it’s what I do for a living—breaking things.
OC: No you don’t
Abid: Actually I do, it’s a very lucrative business, you should try it sometime.
OC: You’re lying
Abid: You just don’t understand because you’re too young. Wait until you get older, then you’ll understand.

So he turns to brother Adil for confirmation

OC: does he really break things?
Adil: Yes he does. Don’t get too close though, cuz he may break YOU next!

He notices that I’m fidgeting with my MP3 player

OC: Did you break that?
Abid: Yes, it’s supposed to play videos but it doesn’t because I broke it.

I start laughing and he notices my braces. (YES, I wear braces, but not for much longer…)

OC: Lemme see your braces!
Abid: aaaahhhhhhh
OC: You don’t have that thing in the roof of your mouth
Abid: that’s cuz I broke it
OC: nuh-uh
Abid: You see these braces on the top row? They’re supposed to connect all the way to my back teeth, like the bottom row. But they don’t because I broke them.
OC: WOW! You break EVERYthing!
(note:  I’m having the front teeth in the top row torqued, so I don’t need the brace to go all the way to the back, which of course I didn’t tell the obnoxious child)

He starts asking me about other things I’ve broken, for which I come up with more elaborate lies. His guardian finally shows up and the obnoxious child starts pointing at me and yelling, “This guy breaks EVERYthing!” The guardian has a confused look on his face and doesn’t know how to respond. I just put my headphones on and pretend nothing ever happened….

Just Suck It…

I’ve compiled some observations upon my return trip from South Africa. Mind you, I had an absolutely fabulous time while in Cape Town, but I find these observations annoyingly hilarious.

[1] “Smooth” is not a flavor (as designated on the yogurt package on South Africa Airlines). I can’t imagine it being a translation error as English is not highly unknown to [most] people in this region. I opted out on the smooth flavor. I think in hindsight, watching all the people rushing to the restroom after breakfast, that it was a smart move on my part.

[2] Being gassed by the “ungentleman” seated directly in front of me almost every five minutes (I kid you not) throughout the 12 hour flight from Cape Town to London was most unpleasant. Dear sir: if you have a noxious gas emission issue, please take medication or DO NOT FLY ON A FUCKING TWELVE HOUR FLIGHT!

[3] Two ladies sitting across the aisle from me (reminding me of Jack Sprat could eat no fat and his wife could eat no lean… except these were both women, so perhaps Jill Sprat and her wife… not that they were a “couple” …not that there is anything wrong with that…) were most diligent in their stretching regime. In fact, they enjoyed stretching their mighty and lean asses directly into my face. I understand the need for keeping the blood flowing (heh), but please keep it out of my face. I also had an incredible urge to jam my elbow into Ms. Lean’s Converse-shod foot as she stepped directly onto my armrest (while my arm was already on it, mind you!) every time she needed to get her luggage out of the overhead bin. But I decided to be nice… yes, I know I know, I was surprised as anyone that I decided to be nice. Most unlike me. I regret it now. I surely do.

[4] Passport issues: For some reason, the US just adds a postnote to the last page of your passport when you are changing surnames. I thought when I sent in the paperwork that I would receive a new passport. I thought wrong apparently. Most times, it’s only a bit of a nuisance, but this time around it was an entirely HUGE FUCKING NUISANCE. For some godforsaken reason, the South African Airlines attendant that we checked in with on our return trip just did not understand that my lastname/surname was Wyde. The conversation proceeded as follows:

SAA: Your name is not on the flight list.
Me: I have a different last name than what is on the picture page, please check the last page on my passport.
SAA: It says Khan, we have no reservation for you.
Me: Keep reading. My last name is Wyde. W-Y-D-E.
SAA: What is your surname?
Me: Wyde. W-Y-D-E.
SAA: But it says Khan, What is your new surname?
Me: It is Wyde. It is not a description of my physique. My surname is WYDE. W-Y-D-E.
SAA: *After looking thoroughly confused and continuing to stare at his computer screen for several more minutes* Ok, I found your ticket. It is under Wyde.
Me: I shall knight thee King of Morons.

Ok, I didn’t really say that last part about the morons, but I surely thought it! Needless to say, I shall be running to the passport office to get a completely new passport with ONLY the last name Wyde on the picture page. I do NOT want to have to deal with this situation again. Seriously.

[5] I’m thinking perhaps I should not have said “I don’t have time to do that” when the Heathrow agent said “Please do not accept any packages on your way to the gate.” since we were running late. Luckily, she either had a sense of humor or just didn’t understand what I said in my American accent. Good thing too since I didn’t know of any London barristers.

[6] I bought way too much fucking crap. Jesus-christ-on-a-cracker. What was I thinking… did I imagine I would have a sherpa to to carry everything around for me? I will have to work on getting the dent out of my shoulder. I’m sure I’ll remember the pain everytime I see my souveniors. Unless I drink a lot. Which I think is a good plan.

[7] While standing in the long ass customs line in Houston, the guy behind me said

“You’ll be lucky if they let you through with that piece of wood.”

What he was referring to was the cheese cutting board I had purchased at one of the vineyards (it was previously a stave from one of their wine barrels). It was too long… heh… to fit into my checked-in baggage, so I stuck it into my carry-on baggage and it was sticking out the side. I turned around and responded

“And why is that?”

And he goes

“It’s wood, it’s on the no list. It says so right on the customs form.”

Now I had actually decided to READ the customs form this time around and there was NO mention of wood being prohibited. I decided to thoroughly re-read it and IT WAS NOT THERE. He continues with

“Wood has insects and stuff. You’re not supposed to bring that.”

I then said

“It’s a treated cutting board. I didn’t go into the woods and chop a tree down. I think I’m good on the insect situation.”

I was about to turn around and just punch him if he continued on with his commentary. I seriously wondered if I was going to have to place a call to my lawyer when the customs agent would arrest me for starting a fight in line. I’m sure he was THINKING he was being helpful. But I’ve been reading since kindergarten and I really am not as stupid as I look. Perhaps I would have been nicer if I wasn’t in such a rotton mood from all the events that occurred to us on the return flight. But I rather doubt it.

Waar is die Badkamer?

As I start preparing for my upcoming trip to Cape Town (South Africa) with my brothers, I think back upon past trips abroad and wonder what fantastic shenanigans may occur on this journey.

Will I piss someone off to the point where they are on the verge of wanting to beat my ass: Itching for a Fight…

Will I get so sloshed during the last leg that I pass out on the plane: Another drunken moment…brought to you by the letter F

Will I annoy any parents to the extent they call the flight attendant to complain about me?

Father: “You are kicking my child.”

Me: “I’m not kicking your child, I’m kicking your child’s seat.”

And trust me, if they hadn’t bonked me in the head with the seat, this would have never started. I mean, is it REALLY necessary to lean the seat all the way back when the ONE year old kid is only sleeping on the seat part and not using the backrest at all? I had the last laugh on that one as the flight attendant just nodded his head for ten minutes as the irate mother ranted… and then just walked off and did nothing. I got a free drink from the flight attendant as well…

Will I lose yet another girlfriend during the trip? The answer to that has already been decided: No. My brothers said I am no longer allowed to invite any girlfriends of mine on trips with us. So that’s that.

Here are a few of my favorites from my last trip to Down Under: Thoughts…

So, with all this rambling about in my head, I hope to have some good adventures, laugh a lot (which is guaranteed to happen since I’ll be with my brothers), see some sights, meet some people and eat some great food and wine.