That’s a Stabbin’…

As I was sitting with some friends at a Dynamo tailgate party today, we noticed a skinny young girl (looking to be in her very early 20s, if that) loitering around us. Before we knew it, she started talking to one of the girls, and hence forth called her “Blondie”. Well, Blondie gave her the stink eye and got up and walked away. Strange girl kept yelling after her “Hey Blondie, hey, I’m still talking to you”. I was sitting on the grass eating a hamburger during this time … and then she turned to me.

Strange girl: You know you can get parasites from sitting on the grass.

Me: Oh yeah, I love the parasites. I can’t wait.

Strange girl: You like parasites?

Me: Well, who doesn’t?

At this point Blondie walks back and thus begins another conversation…

Strange girl: Hey, I was talking to you. Didn’t you hear me?

Blondie: Oh, I’m deaf. Well, in my left ear.

Strange girl (turning to me): Is she really deaf?

Me: Oh yeah, totally. Left ear. Can’t hear a thing (while pointing to my right ear)

Strange girl starts kicking around a soccer ball that some of the guys had been kicking around and then looks at me.

Strange girl: You know you can get parasites from hamburgers. If the meat isn’t cooked thoroughly.

Me (while pointing at the medium rare burger): Oh yeah, I love ‘em. Can’t wait!

Strange girl: You’re strange for liking parasites.

Next she turns to another one of the girls who had been raving about her salon stylist and thus begins another bizarre interjection…

Strange girl: Is she homosexual? I mean, you said she was just great and all.

Salon girl (looking at me bewildered): Umm, no…

She then starts to interject into other people’s conversations as well. Not too long after that, we all get up and go in to the stadium to watch the game. Where Salon girl asks me if she was someone I knew and I was like…

“Hell no, I thought she was a bum. I wanted to tell her to get the fuck away from me, but I was afraid she was gonna stab me… or steal my burger.”

Shut your Mouth when you’re TALKING to me!

Believe it or not, we actually found people that were more obnoxious than us on our South Africa trip. Well, they weren’t REAL people, just two annoying children that were on our Safari trip. We had to endure their random screaming and loud behavior for most of the daytrip… I figured I’d get my revenge on the return trip back to Cape Town as we’re loading into the shuttle…

One of the kids noticed a piece of equipment attached to the interior roof of the shuttle van. So he starts asking what it is. One of the other passengers replies that it’s a DVD player, to which the obnoxious child starts yelling, “DVD player! DVD player!”

So this obnoxious child comes up to me for some GOD-forsaken reason, and the conversation goes like this…

OC: Did you know that there’s a DVD player in here?
Abid: Yes, but it’s broken.
OC: How do you know that?
Abid: Because I broke it.
OC: No you didn’t
Abid: Actually I did, it’s what I do for a living—breaking things.
OC: No you don’t
Abid: Actually I do, it’s a very lucrative business, you should try it sometime.
OC: You’re lying
Abid: You just don’t understand because you’re too young. Wait until you get older, then you’ll understand.

So he turns to brother Adil for confirmation

OC: does he really break things?
Adil: Yes he does. Don’t get too close though, cuz he may break YOU next!

He notices that I’m fidgeting with my MP3 player

OC: Did you break that?
Abid: Yes, it’s supposed to play videos but it doesn’t because I broke it.

I start laughing and he notices my braces. (YES, I wear braces, but not for much longer…)

OC: Lemme see your braces!
Abid: aaaahhhhhhh
OC: You don’t have that thing in the roof of your mouth
Abid: that’s cuz I broke it
OC: nuh-uh
Abid: You see these braces on the top row? They’re supposed to connect all the way to my back teeth, like the bottom row. But they don’t because I broke them.
OC: WOW! You break EVERYthing!
(note:  I’m having the front teeth in the top row torqued, so I don’t need the brace to go all the way to the back, which of course I didn’t tell the obnoxious child)

He starts asking me about other things I’ve broken, for which I come up with more elaborate lies. His guardian finally shows up and the obnoxious child starts pointing at me and yelling, “This guy breaks EVERYthing!” The guardian has a confused look on his face and doesn’t know how to respond. I just put my headphones on and pretend nothing ever happened….

Just Suck It…

I’ve compiled some observations upon my return trip from South Africa. Mind you, I had an absolutely fabulous time while in Cape Town, but I find these observations annoyingly hilarious.

[1] “Smooth” is not a flavor (as designated on the yogurt package on South Africa Airlines). I can’t imagine it being a translation error as English is not highly unknown to [most] people in this region. I opted out on the smooth flavor. I think in hindsight, watching all the people rushing to the restroom after breakfast, that it was a smart move on my part.

[2] Being gassed by the “ungentleman” seated directly in front of me almost every five minutes (I kid you not) throughout the 12 hour flight from Cape Town to London was most unpleasant. Dear sir: if you have a noxious gas emission issue, please take medication or DO NOT FLY ON A FUCKING TWELVE HOUR FLIGHT!

[3] Two ladies sitting across the aisle from me (reminding me of Jack Sprat could eat no fat and his wife could eat no lean… except these were both women, so perhaps Jill Sprat and her wife… not that they were a “couple” …not that there is anything wrong with that…) were most diligent in their stretching regime. In fact, they enjoyed stretching their mighty and lean asses directly into my face. I understand the need for keeping the blood flowing (heh), but please keep it out of my face. I also had an incredible urge to jam my elbow into Ms. Lean’s Converse-shod foot as she stepped directly onto my armrest (while my arm was already on it, mind you!) every time she needed to get her luggage out of the overhead bin. But I decided to be nice… yes, I know I know, I was surprised as anyone that I decided to be nice. Most unlike me. I regret it now. I surely do.

[4] Passport issues: For some reason, the US just adds a postnote to the last page of your passport when you are changing surnames. I thought when I sent in the paperwork that I would receive a new passport. I thought wrong apparently. Most times, it’s only a bit of a nuisance, but this time around it was an entirely HUGE FUCKING NUISANCE. For some godforsaken reason, the South African Airlines attendant that we checked in with on our return trip just did not understand that my lastname/surname was Wyde. The conversation proceeded as follows:

SAA: Your name is not on the flight list.
Me: I have a different last name than what is on the picture page, please check the last page on my passport.
SAA: It says Khan, we have no reservation for you.
Me: Keep reading. My last name is Wyde. W-Y-D-E.
SAA: What is your surname?
Me: Wyde. W-Y-D-E.
SAA: But it says Khan, What is your new surname?
Me: It is Wyde. It is not a description of my physique. My surname is WYDE. W-Y-D-E.
SAA: *After looking thoroughly confused and continuing to stare at his computer screen for several more minutes* Ok, I found your ticket. It is under Wyde.
Me: I shall knight thee King of Morons.

Ok, I didn’t really say that last part about the morons, but I surely thought it! Needless to say, I shall be running to the passport office to get a completely new passport with ONLY the last name Wyde on the picture page. I do NOT want to have to deal with this situation again. Seriously.

[5] I’m thinking perhaps I should not have said “I don’t have time to do that” when the Heathrow agent said “Please do not accept any packages on your way to the gate.” since we were running late. Luckily, she either had a sense of humor or just didn’t understand what I said in my American accent. Good thing too since I didn’t know of any London barristers.

[6] I bought way too much fucking crap. Jesus-christ-on-a-cracker. What was I thinking… did I imagine I would have a sherpa to to carry everything around for me? I will have to work on getting the dent out of my shoulder. I’m sure I’ll remember the pain everytime I see my souveniors. Unless I drink a lot. Which I think is a good plan.

[7] While standing in the long ass customs line in Houston, the guy behind me said

“You’ll be lucky if they let you through with that piece of wood.”

What he was referring to was the cheese cutting board I had purchased at one of the vineyards (it was previously a stave from one of their wine barrels). It was too long… heh… to fit into my checked-in baggage, so I stuck it into my carry-on baggage and it was sticking out the side. I turned around and responded

“And why is that?”

And he goes

“It’s wood, it’s on the no list. It says so right on the customs form.”

Now I had actually decided to READ the customs form this time around and there was NO mention of wood being prohibited. I decided to thoroughly re-read it and IT WAS NOT THERE. He continues with

“Wood has insects and stuff. You’re not supposed to bring that.”

I then said

“It’s a treated cutting board. I didn’t go into the woods and chop a tree down. I think I’m good on the insect situation.”

I was about to turn around and just punch him if he continued on with his commentary. I seriously wondered if I was going to have to place a call to my lawyer when the customs agent would arrest me for starting a fight in line. I’m sure he was THINKING he was being helpful. But I’ve been reading since kindergarten and I really am not as stupid as I look. Perhaps I would have been nicer if I wasn’t in such a rotton mood from all the events that occurred to us on the return flight. But I rather doubt it.

Waar is die Badkamer?

As I start preparing for my upcoming trip to Cape Town (South Africa) with my brothers, I think back upon past trips abroad and wonder what fantastic shenanigans may occur on this journey.

Will I piss someone off to the point where they are on the verge of wanting to beat my ass: Itching for a Fight…

Will I get so sloshed during the last leg that I pass out on the plane: Another drunken moment…brought to you by the letter F

Will I annoy any parents to the extent they call the flight attendant to complain about me?

Father: “You are kicking my child.”

Me: “I’m not kicking your child, I’m kicking your child’s seat.”

And trust me, if they hadn’t bonked me in the head with the seat, this would have never started. I mean, is it REALLY necessary to lean the seat all the way back when the ONE year old kid is only sleeping on the seat part and not using the backrest at all? I had the last laugh on that one as the flight attendant just nodded his head for ten minutes as the irate mother ranted… and then just walked off and did nothing. I got a free drink from the flight attendant as well…

Will I lose yet another girlfriend during the trip? The answer to that has already been decided: No. My brothers said I am no longer allowed to invite any girlfriends of mine on trips with us. So that’s that.

Here are a few of my favorites from my last trip to Down Under: Thoughts…

So, with all this rambling about in my head, I hope to have some good adventures, laugh a lot (which is guaranteed to happen since I’ll be with my brothers), see some sights, meet some people and eat some great food and wine.

The Coming of Peeps…

It was a dark and stormy night… ok ok, it was just night, so therefore dark as well…but what a great start to a story, dont’cha think…!? The time had come at hand for my infamous Peep Show. I was quite apprehensive as I opened each package of yellow, blue and purple bunny peeps and set them out on the table one by one. They were mocking me for sure, I thought. They looked HUGE. How was I gonna fit them in mah mouf, I thought to myself..?!

Brother Abid had arrived in town to witness The Coming of Peeps. He was in charge of trying to take photographic evidence while I endeavored to stuff in said peeps. We didn’t even get to the second peep insertion before he starts crying “you look  like a hippo” ad nauseum and fell into convulsions of laughter that he never was quite able to snap out of.  [By the by, I know I ended the previous sentence with a preposition, but my hands were tied...!]

I have to admit that I used my finger to smush and squeeze in as many peeps as I could into any and all crevices in my mouth. But even I was disappointed in the outcome of the contest. I felt like a failure, a drooling (yes, I did) vomiting (I didn’t, but I was pretty close…) failure, that I was only able to get such few peeps into my mouth!

So, without further ado, <ensue drumroll…> the winner of my peeps contest is: Rodrigo aka @mrbravo2000 ! Lucky number slevin, er.. I mean seven, was the winner!  Needless to say, I am NOT going to post/send any hippo pix out. Sorry Rodrigo, I’ll owe you…

And talking about Peeps, check out this amazing diorama compilation of Peep Show III winners.

Peep Show…

Somehow the conversation started between @pauloelias, @jnassi, @dannybelize and me on how many Peeps I could fit into my mouth.

In the spirit of the great Easter Bunny in the sky, I have purchased Bunny Peeps to try this out. On Easter (ruh roh… I better go figure out when the hell that is), I shall attempt to stick as many Bunny Peeps into my mouth as I can. I’m not going to try to say “chubby bunny” or anything else. This is just a straight on how many can I stuff into mah mouth deal.

So.. place your bets on how many Bunny Peeps you think I can fit into my mouth. Clarification: With my mouth closed.

The winner (or closest number) will win a picture of me with my mouth full of Peeps. (Still not totally sold on the idea of why someone would want that, but I’ve been told to do it…). If there is a tie: I will write the names on little slips of paper, stick them in my bra and then pull one out.

Place your bets…

I’ll Show You Mine If You’ll Show Me Yours…

I thought I would share some of the tweets on my favorites list. For those of you not in the know, Twitter is a social “micro-blogging” site. What the hell does that mean, you ask? Just think of it as text messaging with a gajillion people on the internet. You subscribe or “follow” each other and you can view random thoughts of others or even converse with others. Tweets are the messages you post in 140 character spurts. Twitter allows you to “fave” your tweets, and every now and then some will catch my eye that are quote worthy  or I just find hysterically funny. And don’t get bent out of shape if you recognize a quote and it hasn’t been properly attributed to the originator… no one really cares around here.

1. Well, I’m just here to help. And I think drugging people without their knowledge is fun.  [@malackey to @TheUserPool]
2. Programming is like sex: One mistake and U have to support it for the rest of your life. LMAO [@adbert]
3. Nice. Evil is the new good. [@eyesofthesouth to @farwyde]
4. There are easier things in life than trying to find a mate…like nailing jelly to a tree for example. [@aerobroken]
5. “Scantily” is my favorite kind of “clad” [@jackholt]
6. Retarded isn’t always an insult. It means ‘to be delayed’. Repeat that a few times and get back to me when you understand it. [@DieLaughing]
7. It’s not who you know but who you fuck, I guess. [@ThinkingStiff]
8. Nothing is better than @farwyde and her meow. #Meow [@dannybelize to @farwyde]
9. LOL this older lady is singing “killing me softly” and sang “killing me softly with his cock” :O [@HaggisMac]
10. Well, I’m not really saying I want to be normal, in fact quite the opposite. I’m just saying !failingAtMarriage != happiness [@dumbwhore to @bored369]
11. People with “sexy” or “hot” their screen names should consider using “marginally attractive” or “hideous but easy” instead. Less misleading. [@Aimee_B_Loved]
12. I want to always say back, “You’re very perceptive for a retarded person.” [@eunice007] after saying: It still fascinates me every time I hear someone tell me, “You speak really good English for an Asian person.”
13. This is the bad hair day foretold in the scriptures. [@badbanana]
14. Thought of the Day: We are like the spider. We weave our life & move along it. We are like the dreamer who dreams & then lives in the dream. [@David_Lynch]
15. Endlessly adored by words of no real meaning. [@jengrly to @farwyde]
16. I am so unmotivated to work out, I am considering crack. [@Mona]
17. Arguing this point is futile; arguing with you in general is not. Little princess. [@TheUserPool to @farwyde] in reply to @farwyde: Smart man…no point in arguing with me..
18. The only good time to slap a woman is in bed. And only if she likes it [@epicwelshman]
19. Are you still talking? I stopped listening after you told me to check out your MySpace page. [@joeschmitt]
20. It’s easy to have an opinion when you don’t have any experience to cloud your judgement. [@BevanLatz to @extralife]
21. Those aren’t kids, those are fuck trophies. #realtalk #mypickuplines [@EmpireRising]
22. It kind of makes me sad that it doens’t say “handle like eggs” on a case of eggs. [@Konstantine]
23. When I ask for a Coke or Diet Coke at a restaurant, and they say,”Is Pepsi alright?”,I want to answer, “I don’t know.” and then just stare. [@jasoncrouch]
24. OH: sex is a universal language which is a good thing because sometimes you just don’t want to understand what he’s saying. [@cari2702]
25. You know what it means when you sneeze? It means that God thinks you’re a slut. [@twoname]
26. I tried telling the kitten “you’re the reson Mommy drinks,” but she doesn’t seem to understand. [@jenxer]
27. Was going to read the dictionary cover-to-cover, but found a note inside from my future self telling me not to be so magniloquent. [@aedison]
28. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. [@PeterSantilli]
29. Lord please forgive me of these following acts of sin. [@coco_buzz]
30. Sanity is back-ordered. Sarcasm is in unlimited supply. -Peter Santilli [@PeterSantilli]
31. I admire people who have the strength to see only black and white. But then again they are often stupid fucking morons! [@etcjones]
32. The worst feeling isn’t being lonely. Its being forgotten by the person that you cannot forget. [@CeeBee]
33. Please confirm: In the Venn diagram of “Douchebaggery” and “Hipsterness”, there is little to no intersection. [@rands]
34. Nevermind the instructions. Following the instructions will give you cancer. [@gmarvin]
35. When I hear release management, I think of curing premature ejaculation. it means something quite different in application upgrade lingo. [@_amadeus]
36. You know how sometimes you just click with a new friend? Me neither. [@jasoncrouch]
37. Just accidentally typed that Apple was “still making monkey.” Oh, how I wish Apple made monkeys. Gleaming, aluminum and glass monkeys. [@dmoren]
38. “The 1001 Reasons To Stay In Bed”, by Far Wyde. Cover blurb: “This book changed my life! No longer do I have cold toes!” -@jnassi [@jnassi to @farwyde]
39. There are sex in those fries. [@MissSomething]
40. INSTANT MESSAGE: FUCK YOU [@leisuretown]
41. Some lady on the street asked if the red all over my shirt was ketchup, and I laughed and laughed. It was ketchup, by the way. Hot dogs! [@Johnny_C]
42. “I always find myself divinely inspired during moments of sheer coincidence.” I am, of course, quoting myself. [@TheUserPool]
43. “He shoved the fear of God in me” — now THAT’S a very elegant double entendre. [@SnakeCharmers]
44. “The shorter the line the older the whore” [@infobunny]
45. An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less until, ultimately, he knows everything about nothing [@sebasroy to @farwyde] in response to @farwyde: If I’m an expert at nothing…does that still make me an “expert”…?
46. “Love at first sight” is only a twenty-four hour alcohol induced disease. The tricky part is returning your date before the zoo reopens… [@wbaustin]
47. There’s nothing new to think that hasn’t been thought of before, and there’s nothing to believe we haven’t already forgotten. [@beccaomgz]
48. I found out why the French are so… well, French. It’s the cheese. It binds them. I know I’m bitchy when I’m constipated too. [@Aimee_B_Loved]
49. I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m nice to you because your mental imbalance scares the shit out of me. [@MadisonMitchell]
50. We’d be called Troup 3-Way…and we’d wear sashes that read: EAT MAH COOKIES BITCHES! [@TechBabe to @farwyde]

Are You Looking At Me Because I’m Pretty… Or Because You Enjoy Being Slapped?

As I was laughing at how a recent real-life event was a storyline in a daytime soap opera (which made me realize I could now be a writer for one of those shows with all the fodder I have in store…but that will have to be another post), I noticed how BIG THE FREAKING FONTS are on cell phones on tv shows. This started a discussion between me and my buddy @dannybelize on tv shows portrayal of technology. And since I’m on a list-making roll, I thought I’d start yet another:

1. People immediately start typing instead of using their mouse/touchpad – I guess computers never go to sleep, you don’t need to open/close applications  and you always are at the exact point you need to be when you start typing. Maybe they also have new-fangled technology that links brain function to the computer so that it is exactly where they need it to be…
2. Fonts on cell phones and computers – I can’t imagine how long it would take to text a message or type a story. I would probably go into an epileptic frenzy from all the screen changes and scrolling…but that would probably get good ratings on a soap opera…
3. Bluetooth earpieces – all secret agent men seem to have exceptional links since their earpieces are reliable at all times. As @jnassi says “I can’t make a fucking phone call, but they can stop the evil <insert villain of the week here> without dropping the connection”. I think perhaps the bluetooth technology is embedded in the agent himself.  Just you watch…it will come out in hour 23:45 on 24.
4. Fingerprint matching – all the crime shows have fingerprint matching in seconds that pop up with the perfect suspect with picture identification and all relevant information right at their fingertips.  Being a fan of forensic science and criminal investigations, I’ve read many a book/report that what you really get is a list of possible matches that then have to be examined by thoroughly trained human eyes for comparison. The list goes on and on for the multitude of sins committed by crime shows on this one aspect. For those of you interested, Live Science goes into some detail about it.
5. Operating systems – where most offices use Windows, it seems like tv shows love using graphical command line interfaces. I guess this is done to show how smart an individual is that automatically knows how to hack into the “crazy Unix  from hell” system (as @jnassi puts it). And of course passwords only take a few minutes through brute force because most people apparently like to use “Fluffy Bunny” and “Sunshine” as their passwords.

I may have to leave my brains at the door if I intend to become a writer for a tv show….

Women Are Like Parking Spots. They’re Whores And Liars.

Since I had a post on bad pickup lines, I thought it only apropos to have one on bad or unusual reasons given for breaking up. I’m sure you’ve heard plenty and even I have used the “It’s not you, it’s me” breakup line.  I thought I would begin a compilation of ones that I have used or heard about (via face-to-face, email and text messaging):

1. I love you, but I’m not “in love” with you.
2. I met someone else.
3. OK. I’ll talk to you later.
4. If you walk out that door, we’re thr…….*SLAM*
5. ♫ Do-doo-do ♫ …The number you dialed has been disconnected…
6. Keep the key, I changed the locks.
7. Call a cab.
8. I’m getting married.
9. I’m married.
10. I think we need to take a break.
11. I think we should see other people.
12. You talk too much… and I have no idea what you’re talking about.
13. I’d rather date your sister.
14. I discovered I have a mild form of epilepsy and you bring on attacks because you make me too excited to be around you.
15. I am entering the witness protection program.
16. My therapist says I can’t see you any more because you’re making me crazy.
17. I want to be your brother instead of boyfriend.
18. Facebook relationship status changed to “Single”.
19. *Gets blocked on Facebook, Twitter, MSN Messenger, etc.*
20. Plaintiff vs. Defendent: By stipulation and agreement of the parties, and for good cause shown, it is hereby ORDERED …
21. I grew up in a big family so I like being alone.
22. I’m too much of a germ-a-phobe and don’t sleep with women.
23. I just think we need some time to find ourselves and I am thinking of becoming a monk. So, you don’t have to worry about me with any other women.
24. Being with you makes my head hurt.
25. Can you sign these divorce papers?

Have you given or heard some unusual excuses for breaking up? Add them here…

*Contributions made by: @farwyde, @jengrly, mek-ju and other nameless sources

You Run Like A Girl…!

I decided to go to Memorial Park today to take in some fresh air while I did some form of exercise.  For those of you that don’t know, I really don’t like to workout (in addition to being “athletically challenged”). That being said, I tend to people watch a lot while I jog/walk in order to keep myself entertained (and deluded into continuing with said exercise). Here are a few things that I found amusing:

1. People that “jog” with very small dogs (that can hardly even run fast enough as their owners walk and look like they’re getting strangled)
2. Parents that bring their children with harnesses attached (and sometimes make them run along)
3. People that loiter and discuss where they are going to have their lunch/facial/massage
4. Children that run faster than I do
5. Old people that run faster that I do
6. Women walking while sipping out of gigantic Whataburger cups
7. People that sing (usually badly) at the top of their lungs along with their ipods
8. Looking like a mime when trying to run against the wind
9. Guys playing tennis getting bonked on the head because they are looking at you
10. The realization that I should have tied the drawstring on my running pants much tighter