Will Tweet For Sex

As you can see from the title and image of this post, courtesy of @TheUserPool, there are many funny things to be tweeted about. I was reminded by my chickee @msfitznham that I had created a favored list of tweets (I’ll Show You Mine If You’ll Show Me Yours…). I know I spend way too much time reading and responding to tweets, but perhaps you’ll see why from these….

1. Masturbating is pretending to be your own homosexual rapist. Unless you’re a bottom, then it’s pretending to be the victim. [@DieLaughing]
2. “Justin: Your phone call last night was super ridiculous. At one point you said to the guy “oh yeah fuck me with your captain crunch dick”.” [@beccaomgz]
3. Spent the past 1.5 hours sending “honestly, why haven’t we had sex yet?” to everyone on my buddy list. The funny has been HUGE so far. [@omgitsadam]
4. A male birth control pill has been developed, but critics are questioning the “morning-after” pill’s effectiveness…. #jokes #humor [@wbaustin]
5. The people who think water can make you smarter need SmartWater the most, if only it did more than hydrate. [@Grundy]
6. You know what capitalism is? Getting fucked! [@shiteatingfuck]
7. You know what it means when you sneeze? It means that God thinks you’re a slut. [@twoname]
8. OH: sex is a universal language which is a good thing because sometimes you just don’t want to understand what he’s saying. [@cari2702]
9. When I ask for a Coke or Diet Coke at a restaurant, and they say,”Is Pepsi alright?”, I want to answer, “I don’t know.” and then just stare. [@jasoncrouch]
10. Those aren’t kids, those are fuck trophies. #realtalk #mypickuplines [@EmpireRising]
11. It’s easy to have an opinion when you don’t have any experience to cloud your judgment. [@BevLan to @extralife]
12. I’m pretty sure meat contains some kind of vital nutrient for intelligence, because all the vegetarians I meet are fucking retarded. [@Konstantine]
13. I love Coldplay. But when I hear them live I remember that Chris Martin can’t sing in real life. [@epicwelshman]
14. My pal Dennis told me this and I knew you’d appreciate it: “I’m switching to free advice–cheap thrills cost too much.” [@Snakecharmers to @@FarWyde]
15. Do not PR spam me with multicolored comic sans. EVER. AGAIN. whoever you are. I will hunt you down and fucking kill you. [@violetblue]
16. Corruption, deliciously so, is really a matter of degrees… I’m sure there’s tons of fun things you haven’t tried yet…hehe [@sebasroy in response to @farwyde: Not sure if you can corrupt what is already corrupted...]
17. Forgive me, Twitter, for I have sinned. What’s the going rate for calling a ligature “hot”? One Hail @ev and six Our Favorites? [@camh]
18. Fucking is not the answer, but I wouldn’t mind. [@ThinkingStiff]
19. “The difference btw ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like an eggs and ham breakfast: the chicken was ‘involved’ the pig was ‘committed’.” [@sethsimonds]
20. Love is like a Booger, you keep working at it, but than when you have it, you have no idea what to do with it! [@AdrianEden]
21. RT @jmoriarty: RT @jmoriarty: When you don’t have anything to say, find something to ReTweet. [@jmoriarty]
22. You know that big yellow band we put on the book that said DO NOT REMOVE that you removed? Yeah. That’s why you have no idea wtf your doing. [@pandamans]
23. DICKLASH, noun (see also: clitlash, whippedlash) – Medical condition affecting the neck, caused by craning during extended oral sex. #groin [@3liza]
24. Fuck me now. #3hotwords. Simple as that, really. [@epicwelshman to @farwyde]
25. Vacation is like a Penis: No matter how long it is, you always wish it was longer! [@FunQuotes]
26. The people you use end up using you. The perfect end state. [@TheUserPool]
27. God knows the world might implode if we speak truthful things. It really might. [@msfitznham]
28. “Said I loved you but I lied”  <- another fun thing to sing that will get you slapped if you start a real conversation with it. [@sethsimonds]
29. Sometimes I wish I had superpowers, and that I could fight for justice and save the world. Other times I just wish I had pants… [@KaiserWillis]
30. OH: a bullet is a terrible thing to waste!!!! [@SexyCougar]
31. If you follow me and you call yourself some sort of “marketing strategist” or “social media expert”, fuck off. You’re a professional douche. [@Telesticles]
32. If walmart customers make love like they they park, we would not need birth control cuz they’d never git it in! [@snt_trading]
33. Is it premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married? [@KellyBurnett]
34. Drinking coffee without caffeine is like having sex without penetration. [@Aimee_B_Loved]
35. Evil will always triumph because good is dumb. [@jnassi]
36. OH: I Googled his name and it came up retard. [@Eunice007]
37. What do you call it when you hit your spouse and they don’t say anything? Domestic silence. [@stratosk]
38. Duty thought o’ the day: if idle hands are the devil’s playground… then jerking off must be his word processing. Just sayin’. [@theduty]
39. You know what would make for the perfect wedding ceremony? …lazertag. Just think about it. You’re welcome. [@theduty]
40. A charming man can quickly talk a woman into bed; a charming woman quickly gets into bed without being talked into it. [@TheUserPool]
41. Your mother is so fat, if she fell out of a tree she’d go straight to Hell. [@crackbarbie]
42. Pussy is full of win. Especially when it’s full of dick. [@jnassi in response to @farwyde: Pussy always wins...]
43. Sobriety is an eating disorder. [@onanything]
44. Feeling rowdy. Gonna pick a fight with a homeless guy- got nothing against the homeless, just pretty sure I could win. [@SteveIsaacs]
45. I blame everything on alcohol except sex. That’s clearly my dick’s fault. [@TheUserPool]
46. Work is an 8-hour hostage situation. [@Aimee_B_Loved]
47. The secret to self-confidence is simple: believe the lies you tell yourself. [@indefensible]
48. Monotony is a false sense of security… [@jengrly]
49. I sincerely hope stupidity is not contagious. [@Misadventures]
50. The ratio at happy hour tonight is 50/50. 50% of the guys are less attractive than the other 50% of unattractive guys. [@Lynnster23]

And not to worry, if you’re not on the this list, there’s a good possibility that you’ll be on the next. I have a fairly long [and growing] list…. heh

~ by Far on August 10, 2009.